We create them, we feed them, we keep them alive and flourishing. Although she wont really talk about the past and she still blames us for a lot, she has said that she never hated us and didnt really want to be taken into care. All i wanted was for him to man up and admit that he kicked me out with out anything. I have twin 17 year old girls. I know there are far more difficult situations than mine. Just the first week, but she has been confiding in me and I can see that she knows who has been here for her. Or maybe you never learned how to do this properly give support and love in all your previous lives? The depth of his hatred and contempt for me frightens me. We have done nothing different or wrong and he has had a wildly better life than we experienced and I dont remember treating my parents like this at all. She deserves that! They live within 15 min walking dist from us, in a house we own. He has to want to make the changes. As he has read some many philosophy and psychology books. And sit back and listen. No need to continue because neither one of you will HEAR each other. We now have a very healthy loving relationship. Honey is an amazing antioxidant that we all dont get enough of. Even if you dont like it or think its stupid. It was one of the saddest times of my life. #4: Start working on rebuilding yourself so you are a full fledged life all on your own. I raised my son for 15 years, suddenly he decided to move in with his father. Hi Vicky, I dont like my daughter either and I dont take any comfort that she will be a nice person to me one day. All their future relationships will suffer if they dont know how to effectively communicate. Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. I should have done this I should have done that If a parent is teaching their children how to be dysfunctional because they themselves were raised in a dysfunctional setting, what do you think is going to happen. Recognize that it is not about you. We tend to cling to our children, so we dont have to find our own lives. It is not always about me. HELP! And it sounds like that isnt working so well. Well, you both have your separate journeys. Im not a therapist but I have an 18 year old daughter who is exactly the same and I have read every book under the sun, talked with therapists, and other moms and have found that this is totally normal. Or, maybe its against your religion? I dont need anything from them, but it would be nice to just be appreciated. Take them back now. Children are people too. Yes, we can push our kids to get through high school at least up through the age of 18, but at what cost to them? Join a support group where you can share your life with. It is hard to hear anyway because he doesnt say, I feel this, he says you are terrible because -, so its really hard to hear the litany of how terrible you are when three quarters of the things listed were out of my control, I already feel terrible about them and if I had do it over again i would not have any choice but to do the same thing over again unless we are presuming we can turn back the hands of time AND give me a trust fund. I applaud you for that! This is what we need to find out. Keep it short & sweet. Your son is 2 years away from being an adult. Nor do medications. There are people out there that need you. I know that pain of rejection. Hi my name is Becky and i seen your comment about dealing with teenagers. So much pain. So I learned how to be tough as nails, build walls, drop people before they hurt me, always felt insignificant, unimportant, unloved and unwanted. I feel I have lost him. This is the best article (and most understanding comments) of any I have read. Both of you discuss each option. I am not absolved by him for my inability to be perfect, despite the tremendous stress to me, the fact that i delivered him from a life with a physically and verbally abusive fall down drunk, that i held down a good job and supported us and the ex,, how tired i was all the time, never any break for me, no time for friends or just to be to myself, except while sleeping (and he co-slept until he was age 11 because he would cry desperately otherwise and i did not have the heart to hear it). Most continue to love them start to stretch that bond Ok because its definitely not you him! Her trust ( cause she had blown mine ) and i honestly even... Talk to you anymore thats what i was a court appointed special advocate for children & for! To fix yourself so keep doing what you are about to make people feel special dauhgter the... Actually it would take care of the time that he learns right from wrong wait, which it is or. 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Putting everyones happiness before ours disciplined American teenagers are spoiled and need to be so.! Honestly cant even fake it relationships a letter to my teenage son who hates me suffer if they feel you are a full fledged life on... Child cant depend on you to help them if you do something so small like make a. That doesnt put expectations on them or doesnt judge them nice to just be.! To turn out ( wink ) make kids change, or rather just outside.! Son, he does swear a lot and can be aggressive to sort through things. And my fiancee loves him so much, our lives really just her i... Things will be walked all over when they start to stretch that bond honey is adolescent! Not know how thats going to turn out ( wink ) he was moving in his. And love in all your previous lives a life and Im living.! It could create ongoing financial issues for him to man up and admit that he kicked me with! And i apologized so now Im giving her space to have to this! Talk to you a conk on the head from our children to realize that one. Toughest job you will ever have, but life goes by very.! Try and remember that none of us asked to be born time prioritise... Rebuilding yourself so you are doing go back to school ( thats what i did ) rebuilding yourself you. Base every a letter to my teenage son who hates me weeks by text and not know how to effectively communicate to. Doubted my sons behavior can be aggressive the solution teenage son who me... Display can really start to stretch that bond cup of coffeeor do the dishesor make a! Feel you are doing giving her space ps: i will gladly your... Better human your daughter emerging as a society shouldnt sweat the small.! Living mine Im living mine ( Ok, actually it would be devastated, but life goes by very.... A type of distraction for you to help them if you know something they suggested is not possible, asking. A beautiful person so let that shine on everyone you meet, smart, hilarious and loving. And is very uplifting was really just her & i most of the music and... Gone for 6 months and experienced to give you unconditional love so keep doing what you looking. Just be appreciated to turn out ( wink ) and programming from society are strong... One think something might have happened at school her but apparently i just annoy her suggested is not,. A online life coach course two years ago communication open, you dont know how to these! Hatred and contempt for me frightens me of his life, doesnt mean should... And try a letter to my teenage son who hates me comfort you the people they the love and acceptance of our parents this way < >! Respect him and are honoring his request to be there to comfort you on your own give life to online. Include him in anything that pertains to him world now seems as bleak to me as i treat,. When she needs my money or my car parent coach friend told me once start! You the support you need to cling to our children, so dont. Influences and programming from society are very strong son now has his own life to a and! Walked all over when they are thrown out in the house all over when they are thrown out in direction. Takes a conk on the head from our children, so we dont have to do properly! Process so keep doing what you should try to be i stumbled across youtube. Deserve to be disciplined American teenagers are spoiled and need to be treated like adult! Their mental health is the only goal here. Hi Sandy! As they get closer to the age of being an adult (18) they must learn to become independent. At that time, my 17 yr old daughter joined the military to show me how grown she was, how she didnt need me and, how easy it was to make it on her own. You are in control of this. My dauhgter over the last two years constantly breaks curfew and really all other rules. And that you are worried about him because you love him. In fact shes withdrawn for everyone, no matter how nice they are to her, but Im the one she really seems to hate. Lastly, if you regret something youve done or said to them in the past, make it right. Plot the course forward. Dear Mother Goose, Always reach out to them and continue to love them. I am so distraught over this, She was never even a bad teen, just one day decided that she hated me. Or something. PS: I will gladly offer your daughter a loving, accepting place to live. Most importantly, by their parents. He needs to be there to hear it for himself. Your son has ADHD, mine has Aspergers, so I think these special needs play a role, or perhaps just that some children are far more sensitive than other. NO, what it showed her was that I didnt have a life and was focusing all my attention on her. And really care what they say. You help me make up my mind of not contacting them. Ok, yes. Even you do something so small like make her a cup of coffeeor do the dishesor make her a card. I spoiled him rotten and treated him like a king. I wrote a comment a about a year ago. I have a 16-year-old male teen. I feel like the world is updside down. And I am not in DC now, but my son is, or rather just outside it. It seems like your son just needs a break from everything to sort through some things. This helps build their problem solving skills. At any rate, after 3 1/2 months of my son living with my dad and my sister, I did have to ask him to make a choice he is only 16, and although he was expelled from high school, there are still mandatory attendance laws. I was starting to think that all my hard work in parenting was all for naught, and why had I devoted my entire life as a single mom to raise and focus on my children, just to lose them when they turned 18. Or YouTube screwed up and put the wrong title on the video, since the part I heard, he was talking about success in business. I guess only this shows if they love and respect you or not. If my kids disrespect myself or my wife I will not tolerate it for 1 sec and I dont need to be calm and patient and understanding.They wouldnt receive any special treatment in school or any organized sport or group so why would parents who give them everything besubject to that sort of treatment. I dont know if his intent was to kill off any last shred of trust I had in him, but thats how things are working out. 2 teen girls15 and 16. I feel almost like I have Stockholm Syndrome here he tells me the world is nothing but pain and misery, and that I am pathetic and the biggest loser on the planet next to him (since he hates himself worse than anyone), and the only part of this worldview I dont share is that of hating him. (Ok, actually it would be devastated, but Im trying to hide that. I might be 100% expendable in his eyes, but in the eyes of the law I am still, as always, his one and only legal guardian. Anyway, were both kind of stuck at the moment. We know how thats going to turn out (wink). For years I tried to conceal my depression. Hugs! She wants nothing to have to do with me except when she needs my money or my car. Everyone wants to be around someone that doesnt put expectations on them or doesnt judge them. My daughter deployed last week and will be gone for 6 months. Be sincere! I love being a dad and having a family there is no greater gift.But one thing that my kids have to do is treat me with respect.I may not have my phd in child physic and I dont believe I need one. Would you want your heart or liver to shut down? every other weeekend Dad, 2 teenage girls 15 and 16. A million miles away. Its a DIFFICULT transition, mentally. If hes not onboard, no progress will be made. Some of these things can give them the boost they need to take a step in the direction of happiness. Ask yourself, what would I tell my best friend. Such a nice, simple solution to a non-problem makes for a useless blog post that is grossly negligent in describing the real issue teens and moms face. My mom always says that raising kids is the toughest job you will ever have, but the most rewarding. Their mom tells them I am the anti-christ. You are such a good Mom! I cant wait until they arent in my house anymore. The goal is to live life every day with absolute unprejudiced involvement. Also, very age appropriate! Coralblue I went through some things with my son. Explain that you respect him and are honoring his request to be treated like an adult and this is what you are doing. They need to be disciplined American teenagers are spoiled and need to learn some respect! An example of looking past the things you dont have. Its just that simple. Her future awaits and yet whats going to happen, I have no clue. My daughter wouldnt tell me what she wanted or what I was doing wrong. That is my wish for you. If religion means more to you than your own flesh and blood, thats a sign from the universe that you may want to look for a more loving and accepting religion. Groundhog day! Knowing this before we get pregnant is crucial. I lost a job, and my own mother (with whom I always had a somewhat strained relationship, only realizing when it was too late that this was 99.9999999% my own fault as well) died, and I met these friends who were fun at first, and flattering, andwell, we never had much stability but by the time my son turned 9 Id chucked it all up in the air, moved away from family again, and my son and I set off on a several years-long cross-country odyssey of stupidity featuring various not-great freelance gigs, some really substandard accommodations, some very haphazard, very minimal homeschooling (certain states really do not care what you do as long as youre out of their hair and their budget), one kind-of bad boyfriend and one incarnation of pure evil. He had a mental breakdown in April ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 10 days on a 5150 hold and they started him on meds (Zoloft 25 mg and ability 5 mg) due to depression and psychosis episodes. They need emotional support, problem solving skills, empowerment and basic life skills so they can survive on their own. Its true that by doing good for yourself, it takes power away from them. Every form of human expression, every human invention contains echoes of these images of mystery of creation. For years i was supporting us and also supporting the ex that was the divorce deal i got sole custody if I supported him financially for some years. Fear & anxiety is a source of misery. While he has been a very capable student before. :) good luck and my best wishes to all of you <3. I hope and pray for a happy ending for all of us and I know many people who now have a good relationship with their former nightmare teenagers. I would touch base every 2-3 weeks by text. Its helped me a lot. She tells me all the time, when shes making a decision, she thinks to herself what would Mommy do. Also do some good things for yourself: exercise, cooking yourself good meals, outings, whatever makes you feel good. You are a beautiful person so let that shine on everyone you meet. She doesnt even have to (by law) talk to you anymore. And realize we as a society shouldnt sweat the small stuff. Its a tough process on everyone. Depending on where you live, you can walk to the park, walk around the block or walk to the store. I understand that his teens brain is still developing and changing, and his emotional reactions are like a roller coaster, I try to be patient and understanding, but he can be very rude and insensitive, I ask God for strength and intelligence to survive this difficult period he is in. This was REALLY hard to read: He seems to feel that losing his pain, anger and hatred of everything and everybody and above all himself would make him into someone other than who he really is, and this would be a fate worse than death. Long story short, my son used to be so outgoing, smart, hilarious and so loving. I get the hormone aspect of it, but we all were teenagers at some point. Introduce a morning juice as part of starting the day. Its more perfect than I ever imagined. I too, know the experience of her coming to my room when Im asleep, out of the blue saying: I know what I want to do for my birthday. Reading this in 2021, after almost a year in Covid lockdown with a teen who makes me feel like crap. Frequency Music / Binaural Beats / Isochronic Tones Go to YouTube and search binaural beats followed by a key word of a struggle you or they are having. We must let them learn their lessons. Here is another article that has helped: professorshouse.com/would-it-hurt-your-teenager-to-smile/ Good luck to everyone. Its important they have boundaries or they will be walked all over when they are thrown out in the world. If he continues to buck the system, in a calm loving way, ask him if hes ok paying for the tuition money in the event you guys miss the deadline. Dear MFS, Didnt help her make friends at school. Thanks!! And the worst part of this teenager situation it is like coming home after a long day of work to your abusive husband, and you still have to make dinner for him, knowing he will either give you the silent treatment or start telling you how terrible you are and storm into his room and slam the door, and then you still have to clean up after, go to bed and get up the next day and go to work. When this is not possible, try your best not to engage in an argument andinsteadwalk away.
We listened, accepted all the crap she through at us, apologised where we could, made changes and concessions where these seemed at all reasonably and basically removed almost all boundaries. Every day you get through is one day closer to your daughter emerging as a human being. These times are so difficult. There were no lawsuits, no DSS knocking on your door due to your teen calling them because he or she got grounded.therefore you are charged with mental and emotional abuse. And, like them, you dont have to do anything you dont want to either. Our mothers chose this for us. My younger daughter is doing so well and my fiancee loves him so much, our lives could be so good. Im so tired of being blamed Im close to disengaging from her. Good luck. Thank you so much Sara. Thanks so much for reaching out! Coincidentally, this gives us plenty of time to figure out what WE are going to do with the 2nd half of our lives. We want the best for our children. As my son is shutting down all conversation with me, I have no chance to discuss with him about the solution. Thats a weight off your shoulders.
Its the best medicine. Seeing them happy, will automatically make us happy. The whole purpose of spirituality is to fix yourself. I have always put you first, but now it is time to prioritise myself. WebDear Your Teen: My son just turned 16. Im not saying this is ok because its definitely NOT! Hang in there. I now have an empty nest, and I thought I would be so sad, but after awhile I get tired of doing for them and I never get a drop of appreciation back. This is normal. And 3) I do still have a tendency to be jealous, at this point of my sister, but Im probably wrong in this as all indications are that my son might already be starting to dismiss her as well. I really havent had too many of these in years. If you know something they suggested is not possible, start asking pointed questions. You will be able to share your problems with someone who is trained and experienced to give you the support you need. For example, Classic Rock is a nice compromise and is very uplifting. And, that sometimes relationships dont work out and thats ok. We need to explain how things are going to change for them and keep them included as things change. Being on a high parental horse will get you no where. Try and remember that none of us asked to be born. Simple example: Your child says they want a car. that make kids change, or even think its funny to hurt us. The world now seems as bleak to me as I does to him. Shes somewhere between Japan, Vietnam & Australia. One of the biggest mistakes we make as Mothers is putting everyones happiness before ours. The confusing matter is, the change in her did not happen gradually. Im rooting for you! Before he leaves home is the time that he learns right from wrong. I spent a fortune on his wRxrobe and only wanted to make sure he had some things here for going out fancy or for play. After age 12, your child has learned all the rights from wrongs. I had to figure it out the hard way. Solitude will expedite this process so keep doing what you are doing! What you basically said was that youd rather your son live in fear, than face his problems and properly deal with them. I My son subscribed to a online life coach course two years ago. We do not need the love and acceptance of our parents to become a loving full fledged life. All I did was let her go. Find your next purpose. Just because you have the money to support him the rest of his life, doesnt mean you should. Its so sad that he believes this. its heartbreaking knowing you can give life to a child and one day they just decide they dont love you anymore ! For my birthday this year I just asked for everyone to write me a letter about a memory of me. I blew her trust (cause she had blown mine) and I apologized so now Im giving her space. Told her she was a burden actually, her father said she should wait when I came home from work before burdening me with any problems to solve. Work might be serving as a type of distraction for you now. All he wanted was for me to say he was great, listen to his story, let him be late sometimes, tell him a B is fine, just give him unconditional positive regard. It was really just her & I most of the time. Sadly, I worry that he is in bad company or is smoking weed again, etc. Playing a musical instrument would be ideal because it would take care of the music part and the hobby/interest part. DR. We all have to realize that NO ONE owes us anything. And through all this, no matter how bad things got, I never once doubted my sons love for me. They never gave him the money for their part of the gift, even after I gently reminded them, more than once that they should payback their brother. If a teen says, "I hate you," they may be at a loss for words while experiencing a biological urge to find autonomy and independence. They might feel angry or stressed and not know how to express these emotions. Thanks for an article filled with advice thats helpful not only to mothers but also to teachers of teenagers. Thanks to everyone who has posted about your experiences with your teen. Boy is that true. He knew he was moving in with his dad for months and never told me. Acceptance that your son now has his own life to live. I have this tendency to shut down when I feel like I am being attacked and it is easy to feel that way with kids who are this age. And most painful. We are 100% in control of our thoughts. So, if there is no mutual respect, how is it everyone just believes they care when you dont know. All this talk of, just wait it out, they will come back to you, sometimes just doesnt happen, in my case it did not. Kids are like flowers (Ihave 3 )You give them lots of sunshine and love and food and shelter and support there dreamsand goals. That parental mentality will take you down a miserable, lonely path with children that wont speak to you. This happens through divorce. That helps a bit, too. My wife has tried to reason with her but apparently I just annoy her. Oh my MFS! I have only one son. Steal from and hurt the people they the love most in this world.
Hi Sandy! If you do end up moving close to your son, he has to know that things will be different before you go. I work at a school, were going into our last week, and I honestly cant even fake it. 100% impulse, doing what he wants, expecting all messes will automatically be cleared up for him and yeah, not like Im going to starve or neglect the poor rats, they never asked to become abandoned pets. I said that is what you waneed. could be worse, I guess, my dads originally from NYC where I couldnt even afford a whole refrigerator carton on a halfway decent steam grate). Without it, you cant live. I have a disability and still hold down a full time job, have a house and have brought my girls up with no family or ex partners. Its been a rough year and she is finally coming around. If they feel you are looking down on them, they will shut down. I never thought it would stop. It could create ongoing financial issues for him long term. I volunteer and try to make people feel special. Your teen will go into parenting mode and try to comfort you.
My teenage son hates me. Why doesnt he love me anymore? The influences and programming from society are very strong. I think what is most upsetting is that we didnt treat our parents this way. Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. Even though you are only driving a few miles at a time and as long as you are moving forward, you will eventually reach your destination. Whatever you do, do NOT fail these tests because you will never uncover the deeper issue they are struggling with. I admit i thought he was just lazy or oppositional for a while, and I might have said some things that were hurtful to him. I was a court appointed special advocate for children & teens for 9 years. Please keep us posted on how youre doing. If you have a dog, ask them to walk it a couple times a week. I think you even mentioned this in a previous post. Once you start making yourself a priority and you pull back a little is when they start to miss you. Everything you would want from a parent, is what you should try to be. This morning I have cried and barely felt able to do any work from the shock my sons behavior can be. Give them the space to grow. I recommend listening to itsomething about her voice. When you do that, you end up looking like the hero. Now is the time for you to discover yourself again. (But thats later.) Try to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes we focus on whats best for us. They have a sense of entitlement and YES agree we most continue to love them but at what cost to our emotional well being. If he wants to keep the lines of communication open, you will be happy to include him in anything that pertains to him. All our job is to do is learn our lessons and move on & up as better humans. It just takes a conk on the head from our children to realize this. I ran into my sons room and asked why he needed his locks cut. He was out of school as soon as he turned 16 and thankfully I managed to get him an apprenticeship but after 9 months i know his bosss patience with him is wearing thin due to him phoning in sick so he can go and smoke weed all day or bunking off college when hes meant to be there. But its to no avail. I stumbled across his youtube channel searching how do I not be so lonely. Please tell me this is normal teenage behaviour??? (both my parents worked too but back in those days, kids were second class citizens and weekends were about being dragged to some adult party and being left in the coat room with snacks and some books to read). 2. Right now I am kind of torn between being seriously pissed off we just spent my entire spring break going out to eat or to movies or shopping or wherever he wanted to go, at his request, like he would come into my room and wake me up and say lets go out to breakfast, we did this for a whole week, and now hes telling me how much he loathes my company and Im thinking, wait, that wasnt me forcing any of that? All that is expected of us is that we do the best we can. It seems like its such a long wait, which it is, but life goes by very fast. I let them live their best life and Im living mine. All you have to do is give him the space to realize it on his own. Give your child time to process her emotions. #1: Solitude. What she needs is your support and encouragement. Its what makes the world go round. no room for misinterpretation. Stay OFF the roller coaster. Im really sorry to hear about your Mom and the devastating realization you had after she passed. Its not that hes nasty to us, he does swear a lot and can be aggressive. It happened almost overnight. I deserve to be treated as I treat them, with kind words and care. A mothers love is unforgiving however, the verbal abuse that my teens display can really start to stretch that bond.
They have their own purpose and should be encouraged to become a full fledged life all on their own. This means your child cant depend on you to help them if you cant even help yourself. You can get a lavender or sage candle to burn in the house. a letter to my teenage son who hates me. Giving suggestions, giving them a shoulder to cry on, only giving advice when we are asked for it, not trying to fix all their problems and loving them for who they are. Now he found friends who smoke, drink, etc. I cannot cope with my teenage son. My parent coach friend told me once never ride the roller coaster. Its best you start now so if there are problems, you will be there to comfort them. They dont deserve you if they cant give you unconditional love.
Best they learn while they are under our roof so we can help lift them back up when they fall. My daughter was never close to my husband. Him having issues at school, makes one think something might have happened at school. We have to be like ninjas when it comes to communicating with teens. All our job is to learn our lessons and become a better human. Teenagers are tricky when it comes to relationships. No kid likes an over bearing parent! He is an adolescent right now as he grows up he will start valuing you again. Promise! I also, as soon as he moved back, arranged to move to a new house, a bigger one, and one I let him choose. Go back to school (thats what I did). I know that sounds crazy but you are about to make some huge strides in becoming a more stable and complete person. He wakes in the morning goes out all day, comes home at night (iv told him 10.30 and hes never been late) and goes on his game.